Archive for the ‘That Was Odd…’ Category

Creepy Purity Bear is Creepy

January 20, 2012

Wait – first read the YouTube description of this video:

This is a student made video saying that the best way to stay sexually pure is to wait until marriage. Having one partner is the God-approved way to enjoy sex.

God must have forgotten to tell that to Newt. Bah dah dum! Okay, heeeeeere’s Purity Bear:

Did anyone else pick up on the fact that Eve tempted Adam, and not the other way around? And that good, chaste Adam turned away the seductress Eve (gently, kindly, but with manly firmness and moral conviction that she’s lacking. Heh…”manly firmness”).

The video’s description contains a promotion for the Liberty Counsel’s Day of Purity. DOP’s website “offers those who strive for sexual purity an opportunity to stand together in opposition to a culture of moral decline.” The website urges young people to “be a part of the ‘counter-coulture’ – – be politically incorrect.” Do it! Or, wait…don’t do it! Or purity bear will come and judge you while sadly watching you have immoral, out-of-wedlock sex.

This (the video, purity bear and the DOP)  is hilarious, infuriating and sad. Yes, waiting to have sex (however you define that) until you are in a committed marriage (whatever that means to you and your partner) is a great way to to stay “sexually pure” (whatever that means). It’s also not very realistic. This video is an example of how religious indoctrination makes teens feel guilty about their normal, biological, sexual urges. And it’s an example of how religion seems to have trouble speaking frankly about sex to children and teens. I mean, who takes sex advice from a teddy bear? What do they know about sex? Well, unless they’re zoo-bound grizzly bears; they have promiscuous sex all year round to fend off the boredom. Hey! Nice role model you chose there, Liberty Counsel!

But, whatever. All I know is I want Purity Bear. He does look cuddly. Plus, I could put him on my bedside table so he can watch when I have sex. Poor bear could probably use some good ol’ voyeurism after this stint.

Seen over at Joe.My.God

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Weekend Nerd Updates and New CUP Photo Info

November 6, 2011

1) I saw Lazer Tag in Macy’s. I wanted it. Badly. The Hubby didn’t agree to the purchase. I almost had a temper tantrum in the store like a two year old.

2) Later at Target we were walking through the 50% off Halloween aisles, and I managed to convince The Hubby to try on this Batboy costume. He didn’t let me buy it for him, but I was actually okay with that.

3) We actually did buy this from the Target 50% off Halloween aisle and made the dog wear it. There’s a special kind of hell waiting for people like us.

4) I found this cartoon of Dumbo with stretched earlobes on poorlydressed.com and have been trying to find a way to work it into a blog post ever since.

5) While grocery shopping I saw this jumbo pack of lunch-size chips, and the first thing I thought was “Eat ALL the chips!

6) My new shirt came in from lolshirts.com!

7) The Hubby and I each bought funny looking shoes.

8 ) The Hubby and I played Dodgeball with a bunch of grown adults and had a BLAST. We’re going again next Wednesday. You know, if we can walk again by then. So…much…pain! Not from getting hit with dodgeballs (they’re foam, not rubber), but we’re trying to recover from the aching shoulders, spasming back muscles and burning knee and hip joints from the overexertion! Also, I have a blister on my big toe *sniff*.

Close-Up Photo Contest

I’ve had several people remind me that we’re not done with the CUP Contest. I love that you guys love it so much. So here’s the deal: Starting on Tuesday November 8th, I will be posting a new CUP EVERY DAY at noon (12pm Central Standard Time). We’re going to play every day until somebody reaches 1000 points. After that I’m thinking about keeping it as a regular feature, but we’ll have individual winners for each photo entry. So, keep your eyes open – somebody is going to win the CUP Contest very, very soon!

I Dream of Michelle Bachmann

June 15, 2011

In which my usually supressed snark emerges via the subconcious circus we call dreaming:

While wearing a wire (for some reason), I found myself in a conversation with Michelle Bachmann. Actually, the fact that I was having a calm discussion with Shelly B. instead of going red from yelling at her smug, righteous, durp-eyed face is what keyed me into the fact that this was a dream rather than reality.

So anyway, while we were chatting like life-long gal pals, Shelly B. admitted that she was in “this whole presidential race thing” (she actually did the air quotes) for the money and the fame, and that she didn’t believe any of the right-wing bullshit abstinence-only education/anti-choice rhetoric/marriage is between one man and one-woman crap, but that it made a HELL of a commercial spot and brought in some sweet campaign donations.

She also told me that she had no idea that she was staring at the wrong camera during her Tea Party response to the last State of the Union address. It was just that she couldn’t understand the directions from the Spanish-speaking Mexican immigrant cameraman who she had illegally shipped into the US to work for her campaign for $2/hr.

And she told me that was having an on-going affair with Amanda Marcotte (that’s what I get for reading Pandagon right before going to bed). Sorry, Amanda.

And that she had a love child with Mark Dayton, but had never told Dayton and had shipped the little shit (her words, not mine…well, technically mine since it was my dream, but Dream Shelly B. totally said it) off to Uganda to live with Mormons (and that would be me watching clips from Broadway’s The Book of Mormon right before bedtime).

And then the alarm went off.

I was never so sad as when I sat up and realized that I hadn’t just had this conversation with Michelle Bachmann in real life while wearing a wire.

And then I shipped that little shit off to Uganda!

Photo via The Examiner

Coffee NAO.

April 15, 2011

Dear Receptionist Lady,

When I asked you if there was a coffee shop in the clinic, you told me “Yes, hon – there’s a Starbuck’s right around the corner!”, and you pointed me in the direction of the supposed Starbuck’s. You chuckled when you saw my face light up and watched me scuttle off around the corner to track down the day’s first cup of joe. I wandered around the maze of fluorescent-lit hallways, and peeked in the cracked doorways of hospital-gowned patients who had their cracks hanging out for all the world to see. I passed prescription carts and mobile electronic charting equipment. I almost knocked a cup of urine out the hands of a patient who came charging out of the laboratory bathroom. But through all of this, I saw no signs for Starbucks, smelled no delectible odor of freshly-brewed coffee.

I followed my course back to your desk, bewildered and disappointed, and asked you to clarify in which direction exactly the Starbucks was. You giggled at said “Oh no, hon, you have to leave the clinic, walk down the street to Franklin and Nicollet and there’s a Starbucks on the corner.”

Lesson time: When I asked if there was a coffee shop IN the clinic and you said “Yes”, what you really meant was “No, you have to LEAVE the clinic.”

Just thought you should know. You know, in case anyone else asks.

Also, your giggle is creepy.

That is all.

Odd Signs and Adverts

April 8, 2011

I find that I’ve been collecting interesting signs and advertisements on my phone camera. I thought I’d share them.

We’re Not Racist.

Taken 4/8/11 – Uptown Movie Theater in Minneapolis, MN

If you buy her expensive stuff, she won’t sleep around.

Magazine advertisement seen in a resort in Cozumel,Mexico

Add 1c of sugar and 3 tsps of calories.

Other sodas had ingredients like carbonated water, phosphoric acid, potassium benzoate, citric acid. This one seemed a little…vague. Seen in the Roseville, MN Noodles & Co.

That’s because you don’t measure time in ounces.

April 2, 2011

Aka: What I said at lunch today and why my lunch mates rolled their eyes and called me a party pooper.

The Emperor’s New Dinner

February 28, 2011

Soooo…here I am making dinner*. I’ve got some tilapia, I’m not really sure what I want to do with it** and so I’m looking for a jazzy new recipe online. I’m a very visual person when it comes to recipes – I want to see the finished product before I decide if I’m going to invest time and ingredients, hopes and dreams and all that. I’m thinking some wine, some capers and I come across this:

What the… Food photo cheat! And then I realized that it’s a Weight Watcher’s recipe, so maybe it’s some sort of new-fangled diet tilapia meal in which the portions are really, really, really small.

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Here’s how the real dinner turned out. I ended up throwing some garlic, salt, pepper, dried chives, “italian herbs”, red wine, olive oil, lemon juice, capers, green olives and  white onion in a bag, tossing it around a bit, then throwing the whole mess into the oven at 350F for 20 minutes. Nom nom nom. I made broccoli and cheater-rific Trader Joe’s pre-made risotto as sides. Nom nom nom.

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* Cuz if there’s one thing we young things know how to do, it’s make some dinner.

**I mean, I know what I want to do with it; I want to eat it. I’m just not sure how I want to prepare it.

Married People Conversations

February 12, 2011

Hubby: [in an accusing tone] Hey! Who used the last of the toilet paper and didn’t replace the roll?

There are only two of us in the house.  We both know it was me.

Me: It was the dog.

Hubby: The dog?

Me: Yup. Saw him do it.

Hubby: Oh yeah?

Me: Yeah, he was all like I need some toilet paper. Rawr!

Hubby: Well, that’s pretty amazing that he’s using toilet paper.

Me: Yup.

And the morning goes on. I’ve noticed that most of our married people conversations are boring, weird and not really all that funny. Except to us. We think we’re hilarious.

The Darkness of Winter

December 2, 2010

I’m not a big fan of winter in this particular part of the country.

 I don’t like feeling cold down to my bones.  I don’t like the treacherous traffic, ruining the hemlines of my dress pants and jeans, having to choose between wearing one pair of ugly waterproof boots all day or carrying a second pair of shoes to work. 

I don’t like that it’s harder to exercise in the winter.  Not only is it less appealing to crawl out of the warm bed at 5am in the morning (super dark AND cold), but add to that the necessity of bundling up in extra clothes, wearing snow boots, scraping the car and driving to the gym on frozen or slushy roads.  Also in the winter I get less “natural” exercise like playing outside and walking places.  I still do all of these things, it’s just more of a pain so I do less of them.

I don’t play any winter sports.  I don’t even ice-fish – me in the land of 10,000 frozen lakes!  I’d like snowmobiling, but I don’t have a snowmobile or anywhere nearby to ride one.  I’ve tried ice-skating a couple of times, but I can’t seem to grasp the art of gliding over the ruts in the ice left by other skaters.  Roller-blading and roller skating I got; ice-skating I do not.  I’ll usually go sledding or snow tubing once or twice each year, and I was in winter running club in high school, but I think I may have joined because I had a crush on one of the other members…

No one in my family ever did downhill skiing or snowboarding when I was growing up, and frankly I’m not too excited to learn how to do either of those now.  First it looks…umm…cold.  And second, every time I think about getting up on skis, I imagine me bundled up like Ralphie’s little brother in A Christmas Story, standing at the top of the bunny hill, slowly starting downward, and just as things seem like they might go alright, I trip and bury myself in a snow hill with only my crossed skis left visible in the air above me. 

Nothing like the power of positive thought, eh?

One more thing.  The biggest thing: My evenings are shorter. 

They’re not really, they just feel shorter.  I usually leave work sometime between 4pm and 6pm – that’s the same regardless of the time of year.  The difference is a matter of sunlight.  In the summer I can work until 6pm and know that I have a good two hours left of daylight in which to do “things and stuff” – whatever it is that needs doing.  In the winter I start getting antsy around 3:30pm because I know it’s going to be pitch black by 4:15pm. 

That’s a problem because when it’s dark, it’s very cold.  That means I have to drive home in the Cold Dark, and I have to go grocery shopping in the Cold Dark, I have to go out with friends and family in the Cold Dark.    The Cold Dark is lonely.  Sound is muffled; lights are sharp and hurt to look at.  My cold face, fingers and legs become numb and feel stiff.  All I want to do is huddle under a blanket in front of a fire and let every available light bulb blaze.  I’m not inspired to run errands or leave my house for entertainment.  I feel like I should be hibernating until the sun resumes normal working hours. 

Occasionally I do find myself admiring the Cold Dark.  Not so much that I appreciate its presence for a full three months, but if I could have it for a week every year…I think I’d like that.

Take last night.  I left work yesterday at 6:15pm, later than most of my coworkers.  I work in a suburb, in quiet, sparsely-inhabited industrial park located on a lake near a golf course.  There is never a lot of traffic, and the trees and open lake make the world seem very big and wild at night. 

I bundled up in my many layers, and as I walked outside I noticed that a fresh layer of snow had carpeted the concrete walkways and asphalt parking lot.  I had left by a side door, and only a few sets of foot prints tracked from where I was standing.  They walked side-by-side, only diverging and disappearing into other footprint traffic at the end of the walkway as they split off to find their respective vehicles. 

Everything was so…still.  I took a deep breath and the air was cold in my nose and throat.  Outside smelled new, fresh, clean.  The parking lot security lights cut through the blackness, creating cones of light if observed individually, and together casting a dome of brilliance which gently faded at the edge of the lake shore.  The buildings across campus seemed to be Hollywood cutouts, backlit by unseen street lights, empty and flat.  If I walked behind them I wouldn’t have been surprised to see unpainted wood held upright by enormous 2×4 beams.

My warm breath fogged up my glasses, obscuring the silent world and shaking me out of my reverie.  The magic of the moment was further dispelled when I reached my car and had to use two hands to force the frozen door open.  The cold leather of my car seat quickly penetrated my coat and dress pants, and on the curved exit of the parking lot I lost traction under my tires, swerving gently sideways before regaining control of the car.

But for a short time, the Cold Dark had been regal, majestic and bigger than slushy roads, the wet gloves and my ennui.  For a moment it was beautiful, and I was happy to be in it.

Baby Monkey

October 5, 2010

You’re welcome.

And I’m sorry.

All together now: Baby Monkey! Baby Monkey! Riding on a Pig, Baby Monkey!